I haven't had much time to think about this blog in awhile. I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted. I have plenty of excuses, but mostly it just hasn't been a priority for me. Last time I wrote, I was just getting ready to move back to Utah and for my husband to get out of the Army. Well, we did it! We sold our beautiful house in Colorado Springs, and moved to Roy, Utah on May 1st, 2014. We found a house for rent just a few days before we moved and went and saw it as soon as we got here and immediately signed papers and started moving what we brought with us in. We got the rest of our stuff about a week later and we have spent the last 9 months trying to settle in and figure out civilian life again. Military life was hard, but there were some things that I was just used to that I no longer have! One thing I miss is living on my own with just me and my little family, no extended family near. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but living away from them strengthened us in so many ways. It also allowed us to experience a different kind of family. . . the kind that is there for you, not because they are related and feel it's an obligation, but because they love you and truly want to help (once again, my family is great, and I don't feel like they are obligatorily nice, but it's just a little different). I miss my ward (a group of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who live close to one another and meet together for services and activities). I miss my house. I miss my beautiful backyard with huge trees and squirrels, listening to the doves every morning, and even the annoying woodpecker who would occasionally peck on our metal chimney, which made the most obnoxious sound from our fireplace. I cannot truly say that I am used to it here, even though I've lived in Utah most of my life. I haven't felt like we are quite settled. However, we have been talking about buying the house we are renting since we moved in. Now that it's getting close (in the next couple of months), I hope that I will feel more at home once the house is mine.
I am notorious for thinking that "the grass is greener on the other side." I thought getting out of the military would make me happy. I thought that moving back near family would make things easier. In some ways things are better, and I am certain that getting out of the military was the right decision for our family, but in fact, life has been difficult for me. The past year has been one of the toughest years. Moving is exhausting. School has been stressful. Being the "new girl" has never been easy for me, as making friends is scary and difficult. My depression has brought me down much more than I'd care to admit. It's been as bad as ever before. I try to hide it from people, and I'm getting much better at doing so. I wanted a fresh start when I moved, where people didn't know my past; where nobody knew that I was depressed. So far, I've kept it pretty secret, but I'm about to explode because of it. I often find myself wanting to call someone to talk about it, but just don't know who to call. I don't want to bother anyone and I certainly don't want their pity. However, my amazing husband listens to me when I eventually decide to talk about it, and for now that will have to work.
I'm hoping to find some new battle strategies and then bring them back here to share. So far, I've found a few things. Here's one: writing down everything I'm feeling, even if I would never say it out loud, then ripping it up and throwing it away sometimes makes me feel better.
The most important thing I have to remember, and I hope you can too, is that Heavenly Father listens and Jesus Christ understands and has experienced all that I feel, so I have to rely on Him more!
