God Gives Us What We Need

This was not my intended post, but sometimes I just have to go with the flow. Someday I hope I can post what I originally intended.

Sometimes I wish my life was more like it was when I lived in Korea. At this time, I also happened to be at my lowest. Weird, I know, but let me explain.

I had the most amazing best friend. I could talk to her about anything - and I mean anything. She helped me with dishes, laundry, and cleaning. She helped with my boys, and let me cook for her, even though she was an excellent cook herself. We were practically inseparable.

I also had an amazing Branch in the Church. It was so tiny, that I didn't feel lost. I actually felt needed and important. My Relief Society President was like a second mother. I learned how to knit from her, and enjoyed spending every Wednesday (I think it was Wednesday) afternoon chatting and knitting with her and my best friend.

The list could go on of all the amazing things I had in my life at this time.

As I said, this was when I was at my lowest. Strange, considering all of the wonderful people I had supporting me and the amazing experience I had of living in another country. I was unhappy. That's an understatement. I was extremely depressed. At times, suicidal. I was ashamed of it. I actually still struggle with feeling shame about it.

I don't have many friends, and very few close friends. I only have a couple of friends that live close by, but I don't feel as close to them as I'd like. I hardly do anything with any of them. Perhaps it's that we have kids and lives, and in Korea, there really wasn't much to do. My friend didn't have kids or a job, so it was easier for her to have free time to just come hang out with me.

Whatever the reason, I feel lonely here like I never really did there. I missed my family and I missed the good ol' USA, but it was different.

However, I don't need the things and the people now like I did then. Without all of those people and situations, I wouldn't have survived that year in Korea. My children, my husband, my friends -they were all pulling/pushing me along, because I couldn't do it myself.

So, whenever I miss that intimacy with a friend, or that time that I had in Korea and the freedoms to do whatever I wanted whenever I felt like doing it, I try to acknowledge that it's because I needed it then. I don't need it now. And I'm extremely grateful for that. I am doing so much better than I was four years ago, so I don't need all the extra help.

Heavenly Father knows our needs. He lets us struggle to learn and grow, but he also sends help. He sent me an angel in the form of a best friend, and I am so grateful to Him for that.