Life is Worth Living

You wouldn't think that being in a car accident would save your life, but that is what happened to me!
In June, 2015 I was on my way to get our 8-year-old from an activity he had been at. I was supposed to be there at noon, but I never made it (don't worry, his dad went and got him). Just a mile or so away from my house, a car slammed into the side/back of my van, spinning me around so I was facing on-coming traffic. I sat there stunned and terrified, just cringing while I waited to be hit again. When I finally opened my eyes (at least, I think they were shut?), I realized that we had ended up in the median and there was little traffic, allowing other cars to avoid us. When I composed myself enough to ask my other three children if they were okay, I was so grateful and a little bit amazed that none of us had been injured. That's when I realized how scared I was during that second or two between the time the car hit us and I realized that it was over. I was afraid I was going to die. . . and I wasn't ready! I was a little bit surprised by this feeling. Dealing with depression for so many years, I thought I would be grateful to die young and be removed from the daily struggle of getting up in the morning and the mental and physical pain that comes with the disease.
Not long after this happened, I had a "bad patch" where the depression had really taken a hold of every aspect of my life. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I couldn't make or keep plans. Cooking and cleaning were too much to handle. I somehow managed to do my school work for the one online class I was in, but it was difficult. I would be lying if I said that I didn't think about suicide. But I had something that I didn't have before. I had that 'near-death-experience' that made me realize that deep down I didn't want to die! As sad and difficult and downright exhausting as my life experience was at the time, I knew that I still wanted to experience it. It instilled in me the fight that I needed to keep going; the fight that I might not have had in me if I hadn't been in that car accident. It brought me closer to the Savior. Even though I don't completely understand it, I know that my Savior has experienced everything that I was going through, and I've managed to fight my way out of dark days before. I could do it again. And I wanted to!
There was no magical moment or experience that got me out of my slump; there never is. I gradually just realized that it was easier to get out of bed, life took a bit less effort, and I was a better wife and mom. It's happened before, and I knew it would happen again.
I'm not sure why I had to get in an accident to figure it out, but I do know that car accident saved me. I got to start over, in a matter of speaking. My van was totaled, so I got a new van and new car seats for the kids. More importantly, I discovered how important my life was and how much I wanted it to continue!

I'm terrible at this!

I realized that it's been over a year since my last post. I'm terrible at posting regularly. In fact, I'm terrible at doing anything regularly. I rarely commit to anything that will happen more than once, because I know that I'm terrible at it. Going back to school a couple of years ago was very difficult because I had to commit to being there every week. It is the reason my children do not take music lessons, dance classes, play sports, or do any extra curricular activity. Although I am forgetful, being flaky is not the reason I can't do things on a regular basis. It is because of my anxiety and depression. The anxiety makes me struggle to be ready for anything, especially if it's something new. I can't fall asleep, I can't think of anything else, and I'm nervous about any possible outcome. The depression makes me not want to try. I don't want to be noticed. I don't feel like doing anything. Most of all, I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME. The effort to get out of bed is too much for me some days. Doing more than that is incomprehensible.
Every time I've thought of writing a blog post for the past year, I've talked myself out of it, because I felt like it had to be perfect. I feel like I have to be one of those mommy-bloggers who has a million readers who can't wait for the next post. I have to touch someone so profoundly that I change their life. So, although there is a constant dialog in my head of what I could say to someone, write on Facebook, or write here on my blog, I rarely do it.
This doesn't just apply to blogging or social media. It applies to everything in my life. If I'm not going to do it perfectly, why do it at all? So, I have few close friends. I isolate myself, and I stay in my bed where I feel the safest, but also where I can allow myself to feel all of the negativity without anyone else seeing it. Some may call it wallowing in self-pity. That may be true. Sometimes it just feels like all I can do to survive.
Anyway, this post wasn't really supposed to be about depression and anxiety, but they generally rule my life, so it's not surprising that's what it ended up being about.
However, I think I made a breakthrough with my husband last night in communicating with him when I'm having a particularly hard day. I tend to take it out on him, and he is amazing at forgiving me and loving me anyway. Yesterday was one of those days. But last night, I finally voiced an idea I've had for awhile, but didn't know how to say it before. When I am having a bad day with my depression or anxiety, I really don't like to say the words. I don't know why, but I can't just say "My depression is bad today" or something like that. Hubby asks me what is wrong. . . a lot. So, since I can pretty much assume he'll ask me that, I came up with a code word to tell him that I'm not okay when he asks me that. Then he's allowed to ask me if I want to talk about it or not. I'm hoping that it will make it easier to let him know that it's not his fault that I'm upset. We'll see. Communication is not my strength.
While I'm talking about things that might help when I'm having a bad day, I remember another insight that I had a while back about forcing myself to get up and going on bad days. I usually try to force myself to go do something, or at least get up and shower and get ready for the day. I think that it will somehow shake off my bad mood. But, I've become pretty good at knowing first thing in the morning how my day is going to go. It's not my attitude or what I do or don't do, it's just how I feel when I wake up. The insight I had is that if I know it's going to be a bad day, I shouldn't try to force myself to do things I don't want to do. I need to allow myself to just have a bad day. Because I'm a stay-at-home-mom, I can usually do this without too much of an issue. I realized that when I fight it and try to be the perfect mom and wife and get out of the house when I'm depressed, I just spread it around to everyone else. I'm ornery and unkind. I yell way too much, and get worn out really quickly. Then I usually have a bad day the next day too. However, I noticed that when I allow myself the day to just BE, I can recover and have a better day the next day. This may not be the same for everyone. I know a lot of people who say that getting up and ready and getting some sunshine makes for a good day. I don't know if it applies to what I call "depression days" though. What do you think? What helps you when you have a bad day? Do you know your triggers? Comment and let me know. I'd like to think we can help each other out!
Well, this post seemed better in my head, but I'm going to post it anyway! I will not commit to posting again soon, but I hope I can figure more helpful insights out and share them in the future!