I'm terrible at this!

I realized that it's been over a year since my last post. I'm terrible at posting regularly. In fact, I'm terrible at doing anything regularly. I rarely commit to anything that will happen more than once, because I know that I'm terrible at it. Going back to school a couple of years ago was very difficult because I had to commit to being there every week. It is the reason my children do not take music lessons, dance classes, play sports, or do any extra curricular activity. Although I am forgetful, being flaky is not the reason I can't do things on a regular basis. It is because of my anxiety and depression. The anxiety makes me struggle to be ready for anything, especially if it's something new. I can't fall asleep, I can't think of anything else, and I'm nervous about any possible outcome. The depression makes me not want to try. I don't want to be noticed. I don't feel like doing anything. Most of all, I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME. The effort to get out of bed is too much for me some days. Doing more than that is incomprehensible.
Every time I've thought of writing a blog post for the past year, I've talked myself out of it, because I felt like it had to be perfect. I feel like I have to be one of those mommy-bloggers who has a million readers who can't wait for the next post. I have to touch someone so profoundly that I change their life. So, although there is a constant dialog in my head of what I could say to someone, write on Facebook, or write here on my blog, I rarely do it.
This doesn't just apply to blogging or social media. It applies to everything in my life. If I'm not going to do it perfectly, why do it at all? So, I have few close friends. I isolate myself, and I stay in my bed where I feel the safest, but also where I can allow myself to feel all of the negativity without anyone else seeing it. Some may call it wallowing in self-pity. That may be true. Sometimes it just feels like all I can do to survive.
Anyway, this post wasn't really supposed to be about depression and anxiety, but they generally rule my life, so it's not surprising that's what it ended up being about.
However, I think I made a breakthrough with my husband last night in communicating with him when I'm having a particularly hard day. I tend to take it out on him, and he is amazing at forgiving me and loving me anyway. Yesterday was one of those days. But last night, I finally voiced an idea I've had for awhile, but didn't know how to say it before. When I am having a bad day with my depression or anxiety, I really don't like to say the words. I don't know why, but I can't just say "My depression is bad today" or something like that. Hubby asks me what is wrong. . . a lot. So, since I can pretty much assume he'll ask me that, I came up with a code word to tell him that I'm not okay when he asks me that. Then he's allowed to ask me if I want to talk about it or not. I'm hoping that it will make it easier to let him know that it's not his fault that I'm upset. We'll see. Communication is not my strength.
While I'm talking about things that might help when I'm having a bad day, I remember another insight that I had a while back about forcing myself to get up and going on bad days. I usually try to force myself to go do something, or at least get up and shower and get ready for the day. I think that it will somehow shake off my bad mood. But, I've become pretty good at knowing first thing in the morning how my day is going to go. It's not my attitude or what I do or don't do, it's just how I feel when I wake up. The insight I had is that if I know it's going to be a bad day, I shouldn't try to force myself to do things I don't want to do. I need to allow myself to just have a bad day. Because I'm a stay-at-home-mom, I can usually do this without too much of an issue. I realized that when I fight it and try to be the perfect mom and wife and get out of the house when I'm depressed, I just spread it around to everyone else. I'm ornery and unkind. I yell way too much, and get worn out really quickly. Then I usually have a bad day the next day too. However, I noticed that when I allow myself the day to just BE, I can recover and have a better day the next day. This may not be the same for everyone. I know a lot of people who say that getting up and ready and getting some sunshine makes for a good day. I don't know if it applies to what I call "depression days" though. What do you think? What helps you when you have a bad day? Do you know your triggers? Comment and let me know. I'd like to think we can help each other out!
Well, this post seemed better in my head, but I'm going to post it anyway! I will not commit to posting again soon, but I hope I can figure more helpful insights out and share them in the future!