Passion for life!

I was on Facebook just a minute ago and a friend had posted a question "Do you do something you have a passion for?" I actually found myself saying "Yes!" In the past I may not have been able to say that, but I truly feel like I can now. And I can see myself doing it for years to come. And making money doing it. I'm talking about cake decorating. I JUST started learning cake decorating, but I have wanted to for years. I finally allowed myself to spend a little time and money doing something that I wanted to do, not because it was what I was "supposed to do" (aka college) or because it was something that I could make a lot of money doing. I graduated with an AS degree in December and after a much-needed break from the stress of school, I decided that I wanted to learn something new. So, I went online and looked for culinary arts schools, baking classes, and eventually realized that I only really cared about cake decorating, not all of the other things you learn in a culinary arts school. I also didn't want the stress of tuition, hours that I would have to have a babysitter, and more homework. So, I found a Wilton cake decorating class at Michael's. I started at the beginning of March, and have loved it. I have made lots of cakes, and learned a lot of new decorating techniques and been more creative than I ever thought possible. (I've never considered myself creative).

I realize that because this is new, it is exciting. It may not stay that way. I may get bored, like I did with knitting, pilates, green smoothies, etc. However, I don't think so. I've already felt the difficulty, the lack of creative spark, the achy hands and arms, the weariness of cleaning up after myself or just constantly having a messy kitchen, (Cake decorating is so messy!) and feeling like I will never get good enough to actually make money from it.

I've never felt the joy that I get from making and decorating cakes and giving them to other people. Actually, that's not true. There are a couple of other things that bring me the same joy, and I haven't grown bored of them, so I think I'm good. :) Those things are singing, playing the piano, and being a mom. Yes, I get tired of them occasionally. I go a month sometimes without playing the piano, and used to go even longer. My voice gets tired of singing. My body and mind get tired of being a mom. But I still have great passion for each of those things, and would be devastated if I had to give any of them up.

As I'm writing this, I realize that it wasn't that I didn't have passion for what I did before now, I just had forgotten what it felt like. I realized my passion for the piano when I was 11 or 12 years old, and singing only came a few years later. Motherhood has been a dream of mine since I was 5 years old. After 15+ years, I guess I forgot what it felt like to find something new that I truly LOVE doing.

My challenge to anyone who reads this is to find something you love doing and do it! If that means trying something that you've always wanted to try, but never found the time to do, then do it! If it means picking up an old hobby that you loved, but think you don't have the time for anymore, do it! If it means going back to school to get that degree that you never got, do it! If it means cuddling/playing with your baby/toddler/child/grandchild instead of folding the laundry or doing the dishes, do it! Whatever it means to you, find that passion for life and do something to bless your life, the lives of your family members, and those around you. You will not regret it! You may get frustrated and tired. You may find that you don't love the things you used to love. But really, you won't regret it!

If you want to check out my cakes, they are on Instagram and Facebook with this hashtag:
 #kasgcakes

Physical vs Mental Pain

Each day I learn new things about myself and my family. I internalize everything and am constantly trying to figure out why and how things are the way they are. For instance, the reasons why one of my children is easy going and obedient, while another can be pessimistic and obstinate when given the same situation continues to baffle me, but I ponder it often. I do the same with my struggle with depression. I try to figure out what my triggers are, so I can either avoid them or at least know what might happen if it's something I can't avoid. I think deeply. . . about just about everything. I try to figure people out. I try to figure out meanings behind actions or inactions. I analyze movie and TV characters and the messages the movies or shows are trying to convey.

During some introspection today I realized that in my experience with depression that the symptoms are most often physical. Sometimes the physical symptoms outweigh the mental/emotional symptoms. It's like my brain doesn't want to think about the pain or sadness anymore, but it doesn't just go away, it has to go somewhere. So, I get tired (the most common symptom, I think), or I get a headache, a sore back, or even sores in my mouth or on my hands. Other symptoms could be sore feet, a stomach ache, or cold symptoms.

Today I was worrying about some friends that are going through a really tough time and the more I thought about it, the harder it was for me to stand up, the more tired I got, and my head started hurting. I finally decided that I needed to come lay down, as pushing through it didn't seem likely.

Realizing how connected my mind and body is makes me think that taking care of my body better might help my body and mind feel better. I know this conclusion has already been made by professionals and research has been done, but sometimes having a personal experience is the only way I really learn some things. I have known for a long time that exercising and eating right helps keep my symptoms from being as bad. I haven't really understood it at this level before today though. It's unfortunate that my illness makes those things very difficult for me to do. I did exercise today, but eating right is much harder for me to do. I love food. I eat when I am happy, but I eat more when I'm sad. I love to bake, so I eat cookies and cakes and deliciously bad for me things in large quantities when I am depressed, which apparently, ironically, is one of the worst things I can do to treat the symptoms!

I would love to hear what kind of things have worked for you! For now, I think I'm going to take a nap. Even typing this was exhausting! 

Life is Worth Living

You wouldn't think that being in a car accident would save your life, but that is what happened to me!
In June, 2015 I was on my way to get our 8-year-old from an activity he had been at. I was supposed to be there at noon, but I never made it (don't worry, his dad went and got him). Just a mile or so away from my house, a car slammed into the side/back of my van, spinning me around so I was facing on-coming traffic. I sat there stunned and terrified, just cringing while I waited to be hit again. When I finally opened my eyes (at least, I think they were shut?), I realized that we had ended up in the median and there was little traffic, allowing other cars to avoid us. When I composed myself enough to ask my other three children if they were okay, I was so grateful and a little bit amazed that none of us had been injured. That's when I realized how scared I was during that second or two between the time the car hit us and I realized that it was over. I was afraid I was going to die. . . and I wasn't ready! I was a little bit surprised by this feeling. Dealing with depression for so many years, I thought I would be grateful to die young and be removed from the daily struggle of getting up in the morning and the mental and physical pain that comes with the disease.
Not long after this happened, I had a "bad patch" where the depression had really taken a hold of every aspect of my life. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I couldn't make or keep plans. Cooking and cleaning were too much to handle. I somehow managed to do my school work for the one online class I was in, but it was difficult. I would be lying if I said that I didn't think about suicide. But I had something that I didn't have before. I had that 'near-death-experience' that made me realize that deep down I didn't want to die! As sad and difficult and downright exhausting as my life experience was at the time, I knew that I still wanted to experience it. It instilled in me the fight that I needed to keep going; the fight that I might not have had in me if I hadn't been in that car accident. It brought me closer to the Savior. Even though I don't completely understand it, I know that my Savior has experienced everything that I was going through, and I've managed to fight my way out of dark days before. I could do it again. And I wanted to!
There was no magical moment or experience that got me out of my slump; there never is. I gradually just realized that it was easier to get out of bed, life took a bit less effort, and I was a better wife and mom. It's happened before, and I knew it would happen again.
I'm not sure why I had to get in an accident to figure it out, but I do know that car accident saved me. I got to start over, in a matter of speaking. My van was totaled, so I got a new van and new car seats for the kids. More importantly, I discovered how important my life was and how much I wanted it to continue!

I'm terrible at this!

I realized that it's been over a year since my last post. I'm terrible at posting regularly. In fact, I'm terrible at doing anything regularly. I rarely commit to anything that will happen more than once, because I know that I'm terrible at it. Going back to school a couple of years ago was very difficult because I had to commit to being there every week. It is the reason my children do not take music lessons, dance classes, play sports, or do any extra curricular activity. Although I am forgetful, being flaky is not the reason I can't do things on a regular basis. It is because of my anxiety and depression. The anxiety makes me struggle to be ready for anything, especially if it's something new. I can't fall asleep, I can't think of anything else, and I'm nervous about any possible outcome. The depression makes me not want to try. I don't want to be noticed. I don't feel like doing anything. Most of all, I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME. The effort to get out of bed is too much for me some days. Doing more than that is incomprehensible.
Every time I've thought of writing a blog post for the past year, I've talked myself out of it, because I felt like it had to be perfect. I feel like I have to be one of those mommy-bloggers who has a million readers who can't wait for the next post. I have to touch someone so profoundly that I change their life. So, although there is a constant dialog in my head of what I could say to someone, write on Facebook, or write here on my blog, I rarely do it.
This doesn't just apply to blogging or social media. It applies to everything in my life. If I'm not going to do it perfectly, why do it at all? So, I have few close friends. I isolate myself, and I stay in my bed where I feel the safest, but also where I can allow myself to feel all of the negativity without anyone else seeing it. Some may call it wallowing in self-pity. That may be true. Sometimes it just feels like all I can do to survive.
Anyway, this post wasn't really supposed to be about depression and anxiety, but they generally rule my life, so it's not surprising that's what it ended up being about.
However, I think I made a breakthrough with my husband last night in communicating with him when I'm having a particularly hard day. I tend to take it out on him, and he is amazing at forgiving me and loving me anyway. Yesterday was one of those days. But last night, I finally voiced an idea I've had for awhile, but didn't know how to say it before. When I am having a bad day with my depression or anxiety, I really don't like to say the words. I don't know why, but I can't just say "My depression is bad today" or something like that. Hubby asks me what is wrong. . . a lot. So, since I can pretty much assume he'll ask me that, I came up with a code word to tell him that I'm not okay when he asks me that. Then he's allowed to ask me if I want to talk about it or not. I'm hoping that it will make it easier to let him know that it's not his fault that I'm upset. We'll see. Communication is not my strength.
While I'm talking about things that might help when I'm having a bad day, I remember another insight that I had a while back about forcing myself to get up and going on bad days. I usually try to force myself to go do something, or at least get up and shower and get ready for the day. I think that it will somehow shake off my bad mood. But, I've become pretty good at knowing first thing in the morning how my day is going to go. It's not my attitude or what I do or don't do, it's just how I feel when I wake up. The insight I had is that if I know it's going to be a bad day, I shouldn't try to force myself to do things I don't want to do. I need to allow myself to just have a bad day. Because I'm a stay-at-home-mom, I can usually do this without too much of an issue. I realized that when I fight it and try to be the perfect mom and wife and get out of the house when I'm depressed, I just spread it around to everyone else. I'm ornery and unkind. I yell way too much, and get worn out really quickly. Then I usually have a bad day the next day too. However, I noticed that when I allow myself the day to just BE, I can recover and have a better day the next day. This may not be the same for everyone. I know a lot of people who say that getting up and ready and getting some sunshine makes for a good day. I don't know if it applies to what I call "depression days" though. What do you think? What helps you when you have a bad day? Do you know your triggers? Comment and let me know. I'd like to think we can help each other out!
Well, this post seemed better in my head, but I'm going to post it anyway! I will not commit to posting again soon, but I hope I can figure more helpful insights out and share them in the future!